OF CHATS, FLIGHTS AND HUMID AIRPORTS
In the entire span of my short life, I have missed five flights, two international ones included. Maybe there’s an art to it, I wouldn’t know. It seems remarkably easy, after the first time you do it. And sometimes, it’s just the first flight that matters, and all the connecting ones are lost too. Sometimes, you land in different cities, and sometimes, your luggage gets left in Nairobi, three connecting flights away. In that case, it never helps to make a fuss; you might just as well go on to your final destination, and include the lost luggage in your nightly prayers. In time, it shall make its way to where it was supposed to be in the first place, and if you’re lucky, it’ll only be slightly wet. If you’ve had the foresight to pack it up with plastic paper to avoid moistness, odds are that you won’t be missing your flight in the first place.
If you have a habit of chatting all the time, as I do, you have to be more careful. Once, I began chatting with a colleague, and the next thing I know, two hours had gone by. Check-in time was over. We rushed over to the check-in counter, but there was no one there, apart from one lady who was shutting the gate. She stared sympathetically, but it was obvious from the shrug of her shoulders that she wouldn’t help out. If this ever happens to you, you know its time for a drastic gesture. A soft sob and a few crocodile tears never go amiss. If you’re a guy, do not attempt this tactic, which will earn you a look that ensures you shall never again repeat this slur against ‘man’kind. You won’t come anywhere near the boarding gate either.
Jumping the security queue can never make you popular, but shutting out the insults directed at you can be done by placing the palms over the ears. When in this scenario, ensure that you are not holding any spare pieces of cabin luggage, which may smack into the eyes, and cause them to water. Of course, this makes one look like they’re sick or drunk, and so one has to endure a closer inspection from the security guards. Chatting can also be counter-productive in that someone may take off with your luggage and check it in as their own, and airport rules, unfortunately, do not allow civilians into their cargo holds to look for lost, or as is the case, stolen, pieces of luggage.
When you reach your destination, four days after you’ve left, make sure that you head to the right section for immigration. Some airports tend to be really big, and the bigger the airport, the greater the chance of getting lost. Of course, when in such a scenario, never ask a janitor for directions. They tend to have a rather strange sense of humor. Follow the sound of escalators, for immigration is never on the same level as point of entry. Sometimes, it’s easier to just go with the mass exodus. However, in all such cases, do ensure that the person in front of you is headed to the same place you are. If you’re a guy, you know you won’t ask. It’s in keeping with the ‘I don’t ask for directions’ syndrome that all men seem to be afflicted with. If you have a long neck and can keep your balance on your toes, then you should know it doesn’t hurt anything but your dignity to peek over and peer into someone’s cabin luggage tag. You might get a few stares, but at least you know you’re home safe.
For people like me, airports are wondrous places, where all sorts of people are gathered, most headed to different places. Whenever I enter an airport, I always try to pick someone who looks approachable to converse with, to find out more about where they’re from, for future references. Not because I’m a stalker, but because I might want to visit someday. I learnt that I should pick someone who’s on my flight if I plan on getting on it. The first time I didn’t, my colleague and I ended up waiting in the Emirates queue for our check-in when we were flying via Kenya Airways. Since we were talking, we only noticed that fact thirty minutes before take-off. Running helter-skelter, we trod on quite a few toes to get ourselves at the right place, only to experience the sympathetic lady bit. Final call for the waterworks, and we managed to get on the plane by the skin on our teeth. Of course, the luggage got lost. What did we expect?
Beware of airports that are undergoing renovations. Once I found myself on a runway, with a mass of other people, all staring down the airbus that looked like it wanted to flatten us for fillet. Fortunately for us, the runway was big enough to accommodate both the plane and us. We managed to get to our homes with no other injury apart from the ringing in our ears. It helped; that ringing. I couldn’t hear my family making fun of my accent, which made for a few days of peace.
Renovations in the interior of the airport also tend to ensure that the air conditioning is switched off, so the first time you go to a country with a tropical climate, find out if its airport is being renovated. You might just faint from the heat, and lie there for hours. Heat makes the energetic lethargic, and the lethargic dead. Hence, make certain that when you narrowly miss the experience of being flattened by the air-bus, you have the presence of mind to carry its fan with you.
After all that has happened on my many near misses of flights, one thing I can say with certainty is that it makes for an interesting life. Give it a try, you’ll really experience living.
If you have a habit of chatting all the time, as I do, you have to be more careful. Once, I began chatting with a colleague, and the next thing I know, two hours had gone by. Check-in time was over. We rushed over to the check-in counter, but there was no one there, apart from one lady who was shutting the gate. She stared sympathetically, but it was obvious from the shrug of her shoulders that she wouldn’t help out. If this ever happens to you, you know its time for a drastic gesture. A soft sob and a few crocodile tears never go amiss. If you’re a guy, do not attempt this tactic, which will earn you a look that ensures you shall never again repeat this slur against ‘man’kind. You won’t come anywhere near the boarding gate either.
Jumping the security queue can never make you popular, but shutting out the insults directed at you can be done by placing the palms over the ears. When in this scenario, ensure that you are not holding any spare pieces of cabin luggage, which may smack into the eyes, and cause them to water. Of course, this makes one look like they’re sick or drunk, and so one has to endure a closer inspection from the security guards. Chatting can also be counter-productive in that someone may take off with your luggage and check it in as their own, and airport rules, unfortunately, do not allow civilians into their cargo holds to look for lost, or as is the case, stolen, pieces of luggage.
When you reach your destination, four days after you’ve left, make sure that you head to the right section for immigration. Some airports tend to be really big, and the bigger the airport, the greater the chance of getting lost. Of course, when in such a scenario, never ask a janitor for directions. They tend to have a rather strange sense of humor. Follow the sound of escalators, for immigration is never on the same level as point of entry. Sometimes, it’s easier to just go with the mass exodus. However, in all such cases, do ensure that the person in front of you is headed to the same place you are. If you’re a guy, you know you won’t ask. It’s in keeping with the ‘I don’t ask for directions’ syndrome that all men seem to be afflicted with. If you have a long neck and can keep your balance on your toes, then you should know it doesn’t hurt anything but your dignity to peek over and peer into someone’s cabin luggage tag. You might get a few stares, but at least you know you’re home safe.
For people like me, airports are wondrous places, where all sorts of people are gathered, most headed to different places. Whenever I enter an airport, I always try to pick someone who looks approachable to converse with, to find out more about where they’re from, for future references. Not because I’m a stalker, but because I might want to visit someday. I learnt that I should pick someone who’s on my flight if I plan on getting on it. The first time I didn’t, my colleague and I ended up waiting in the Emirates queue for our check-in when we were flying via Kenya Airways. Since we were talking, we only noticed that fact thirty minutes before take-off. Running helter-skelter, we trod on quite a few toes to get ourselves at the right place, only to experience the sympathetic lady bit. Final call for the waterworks, and we managed to get on the plane by the skin on our teeth. Of course, the luggage got lost. What did we expect?
Beware of airports that are undergoing renovations. Once I found myself on a runway, with a mass of other people, all staring down the airbus that looked like it wanted to flatten us for fillet. Fortunately for us, the runway was big enough to accommodate both the plane and us. We managed to get to our homes with no other injury apart from the ringing in our ears. It helped; that ringing. I couldn’t hear my family making fun of my accent, which made for a few days of peace.
Renovations in the interior of the airport also tend to ensure that the air conditioning is switched off, so the first time you go to a country with a tropical climate, find out if its airport is being renovated. You might just faint from the heat, and lie there for hours. Heat makes the energetic lethargic, and the lethargic dead. Hence, make certain that when you narrowly miss the experience of being flattened by the air-bus, you have the presence of mind to carry its fan with you.
After all that has happened on my many near misses of flights, one thing I can say with certainty is that it makes for an interesting life. Give it a try, you’ll really experience living.
Comments